Ah, the pub quiz: cheap, fun and a chance for the nerdy to look cool. There’s nothing quite like it for inciting camaraderie, honour, backbiting and downright abuse, all in one group of people huddled round a table. One moment, glory and respect; another, shame and vilification, as your hard-earned halo slips after the revelation that Brad Pitt, whom you swore has never been up for an Oscar, was nominated for Twelve Monkeys. Bugger.
I love pub quizzes – even more so when they’re rubbish. I remember, “Which is the only continent to consist of one country?” This is tricky, we thought. Not sure there is one. Maybe it’s a trick question, and the answer is Antarctica or something.
The answer: Australia.
Uh…huh.
Knowing pointless trivia can have strange effects on people. Tragedy that I am, I feel a rush of pride from finding I’m the only person in the (largely empty) pub who knows that Sinead O’Connor’s no.1 smash Nothing Compares 2 U was originally written by Prince.
But that’s not quite as tragic, or at least not as annoying, as pub quiz cheats. If you are reading this in full knowledge that you are one of those people who whips his WAP out, or starts texting mere acquaintances asking what the capital of Colombia is (Bogotá), you are a wanker.
You’re not just a disgrace to the pub quiz tradition; you’re an absolute loser. Did you think it would make you popular? Did you think it would make you ‘cool’? Cheating is neither big nor clever, and doing it in a light-hearted social environment is just pathetic. And just so you know, when you walk up to collect your prize, everyone is wishing death on you. Now get out of my sight.
