Being in Cardiff makes me wonder a few things. Does Cardiff Castle look anorexic when it isn’t surrounded by scaffolding? Who would win: a seagull or five pigeons? And who’s been writing on my car?
DDGAs, or Dust & Dirt Graffiti Artists, can be found anywhere where dust and dirt thrives, ready to pounce on an opportunity. Vehicles are most popular, and the sight of a mucky white van stirs them like moths to a dirty flame, but you can also see their work on windows, kitchen appliances and even text books (I think that’s called making a point).
Usual contributions on cars are along the lines of “CLEAN ME”, “ALSO AVAILABLE IN WHITE” or the old favourite, “I WISH MY GIRLFRIEND WAS THIS DIRTY.” These suggestions are, of course, short-sighted: if the owner cleans the car you can’t write on it any more, if they paint it white you’ll get paint on your hands trying and if your girlfriend was as dirty as the car you’re using to broadcast her tragic frigidity, then she’d probably use the time it takes you to write “I’M GLAD MY GIRLFRIEND IS THIS DIRTY” to screw a man with more interesting hobbies.
My car, apparently, deserves special treatment, for in the dirt on the bonnet is written:
AD VITAM ETERNUM
That is easily the most bizarre legend I’ve ever seen adorning a dirty car. I’m still trying to work out who could have written it. A well-educated chav? A time-travelling Roman troublemaker? A student with a weird sense of humour and a poor sense of Latin? Research suggests ‘ad vitam aeternam’ means ‘forever’ (please correct me if I’m wrong), which, in context of where and how it was written, doesn’t make much sense to me. Maybe I’m not philosophical enough.
Still, what kind of smart-arse vandals live in Cathays, exactly? When my wing-mirror gets kicked off – which will happen – I half-expect to find it in the boot of my car with a note attached saying, “It’s a metaphor” (I don’t get it either).
I actually love DDGAs – they’re infinitely preferable to Cardiff’s wiper-snapping whippersnappers – and I love their work on my car. I just wish they could either dumb it down for me or leave an explanatory footnote in the dust on my tyre hubs.
There’s only one thing you can conclude from all this, and that’s that a seagull would win comfortably because at the end of the day, seagulls are absolute nutters.
