You know who your bullies are · Issue 873

People complain about adverts on TV, but sadly, they’re here to stay. Luckily, there are a few that raise enough of a smile from the viewer for them to forget it’s the nineteenth bloody commercial in a row, you’ve grown stubble since the first and all you want to do is watch old Scrubs repeats without being sold something.

Unfortunately, certain adverts have a habit of annoying the hell out of viewers, and specifically me; I find myself getting really quite angry at some of them. Ambulance-chasers demanding you seek compensation. Ringtone commercials that refuse to end. Halifax adverts that get an awful parody of an awful song stuck in your head for the rest of the day (Howard Brown has a lot to answer for).

But nothing gets me as righteously angry as Carling adverts. Think what you like of Carling – though I feel inclined to add that if you think it’s anything other than piss, you’re wrong – you can’t deny it’s the drink of the people. And that’s how it’s sold. Through unadulterated peer pressure.

Not so long ago, the Carling slogan was, sickeningly, ‘Belong’, which was tantamount to bullying. Everyone elseis drinking Carling; why aren’t you? You want to belong, don’t you? Be like them. Be accepted. Drink the piss.

Now it’s ‘You Know Who Your Mates Are’. Yes, you do. They’re the ones drinking Carling. You don’t want to lose your mates, do you? You want to belong, don’t you? Be like them. Be accepted. Etc.

It’s disgusting. And so is Carling. So now there are two reasons not to drink it: taste and principle.