...is what people will be saying in years to come if these plans go ahead. But by now you’ve probably made up your mind that either a) it’s the end of the world as we know it (and you feel fine), b) it’s the end of the world as we know it (and you want to kill someone), or c) you couldn’t care less.
So I’ll get off my soapbox and instead look at some of the plans’ more bizarre suggestions. Those of you in the a) and b) categories might find them mildly diverting, and those of you in the c) category will just have to comfort yourselves with the fact that I haven’t just quoted an entire song by The Thrills again.
I’m immediately impressed by the plan’s use of the phrase ‘street scene’, which I can only hope is a reference to visuals rather than a desperate attempt to get down with the kids.
Still, the 26-page document’s best moment is the observation, “vertical circulation disorientating”, which describes everyone’s apparently inexorable need to vomit when ascending or descending that oh-so-winding staircase. It’s just so disorientating. I don’t know how we cope with it. I suppose we’re just lucky we have the handrails, because without them we might just die. Brilliantly, the suggested replacement appears to rely upon the advent of jetpacks in the next few years.
I’m also worried about the plans to make the train line “more legible” and allow natural light into the Union through giant skylights, not because they’re bad ideas but because I’m concerned they’re based on Folsom Prison Blues (“I hear the train a-comin’, it’s rollin’ round the bend, and I ain’t seen the sun shine since I don’t know when…”).
All in all, the Union should base major renovation policies more on common sense and less on Johnny Cash lyrics.
