My God, hasn’t Christmas come around quickly this year? It doesn’t feel like 11 weeks ago when term started. Freshers’ Week, Halloween, Bonfire Night, the Autumn Tests. So much has happened and the time has flown by but Christmas has crept up on me almost as if I’ve been asleep for the last couple of weeks. Oh wait, that’s because I have.
Please believe me it’s not alcohol induced or any other substance for that matter. I have been horizontal, in bed suffering with migraines (pause for sympathy). They are a fucking pain.In actual fact, they are several pains. They give you a massive headache, make you sick, stiff and mean you mope around in your dressing gown all day long, or is that just me?
The worst thing is it disorientates and confuses everything. In my head I went to watch Wales play Samoa last Friday and am now opening the seventh door to my advent calendar. Three weeks have squashed into one and trying to explain this to my tutors when impending deadlines are looming has not been the easiest. It’s gone from fireworks and mild evenings to Christmas lights and a constant need to wear winter coat, scarf, gloves and hat in just a few days, or at least in my head it has. For people who have never had a migraine it is difficult to explain what they are and how they affect you.
I’ve only been suffering from them since January 1 and prior to that I thought they were a hypochondriacs’ excuse to make a fuss about a headache. It’s not. They drain your body to such an extent that even things like brushing your teeth or deciding whether you’d prefer a cup of tea or hot chocolate become a gruelling task. The most menial action or decision becomes a mammoth mission like trying to climb a mountain each time. Taking the rubbish out is my Everest.
So when it was put to me what would I like to get for Christmas, the speed of my response was astounding. Within seconds: “a new body please.” That’s not too much to ask for is it? Just remove my brain and put it into a fitter and healthier model. I mean my mind is fine but my body seems to be falling apart at the ripe old age of 22. Putting the migraines to one side, I’ve got a list of problems as long as my arm or rather my leg. Four years ago, I did the ligaments in my right ankle. Three years ago, I broke my right foot ending my football career. This summer, I got patellar tendonitis in my right knee, which essentially means my knee is screwed for the next 12 months. My sinuses aren’t in good shape either and I suffer from sinusitis and non-allergic rhinitis. I don’t know what rhinitis means either I just take the pills the doctor gives me.
In fact my bedside table has been mistaken for Boots the chemist on a couple of occasions now. There’s everything you can think of from paracetamol to dicloflex to ibuprofen to rizatriptan. But I am disappointed with the range of high street painkillers as they just don’t kill the pain, which does defeat the object somewhat.
I’m even on a steroid nasal spray, and that’s not really doing much to improve things. If a new body for Christmas is out of the question then how about this stocking filler idea: extra strong painkillers. Pills that are so strong if I hold them in the palm of my hand for long enough my arm will go numb. So powerful that when they are put into a glass of water, rather than the tablet dissolving the water evaporates.
I’m dreaming of a pain free Christmas, to watch the Queen’s speech without the fear of going temporally blind and violently sick. Whether that’s with me doped up on drugs or not, I’m not that fussed. And on that cheery and festive note, I’m going back to bed. Merry Christmas everybody.
