Gair Rhydd

Mickelodeon

And I don’t even mention People and Planet once

I’ve been out of the country for a while now, and I can’t help but suspect that the Daily Mail’s crusade against the crumbling social fabric of this country might not be that far off the mark.

Example one: In Canada, it’s considered standard practice to keep your clothes on if it gets hot on trains. Not true for the bloke on the 1532 to Paddington service from Ealing Broadway this morning, who saw fit to stand in complete NAKEDNESS (aside from his socks) for a while, before finally putting some boxers on, playing with his moobs and rubbing lotion onto himself.

Learnage

This is the last Mickelodeon; apparently the ‘-odeon’ suffix is too tabloid for next week’s fancy effort. So I’m taking this last opportunity to impart what I’ve learnt in my time here.

Lending patriotism

Celtic head-scratching ahoy for the next couple of weeks, as Wales and Scotland have to decide whether or not they support the ol’ enemy of England in the World Cup.

This may sound like a rather minor thing, but in the minds of politicians, football seems to be perceived as a chance to connect with the ‘working man’. Think Gordon Brown’s revelation that his underwear all comes from M&S, or David Cameron’s choice of Benny Hill to play on Desert Island Discs.

State of the Union

Having got bored of boycotting their own work in this country, lecturing über-Union NATFHE have gone international.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to bleat on about the assessment of our exams again. Who needs to criticise the union for that, when it is lining itself up for criticism with their boycott of sections of Israeli academia that won’t publicly distance themselves from ‘Israeli apartheid policies’?

Fear of the week

As I mentioned last week, exams and coursework never fail to bring on a season of terror and fear for poor people who don’t get to leave the house anymore.

Yesterday I had to walk to the other side of town, past all sorts of people that might try to assault me at any moment. When I bumped into someone I knew the relief was so overwhelming I almost asked them to walk me home.

Goody two-shoes

Writing about ‘Welshness’ in a Welsh newspaper is a notoriously difficult thing to do; one false move and you’ll be strung up faster than you can say ‘hypocritical’.

But one thing that has consistently bothered me whilst living here is a common blithe insistence by many Welshies that people from outside Wales don’t know anything about it, whilst at the same time the accusers invariably don’t know their Dover from their Doncaster.

Social AUTcasts

Bored of the boycott yet? Of course you are. It’s been almost ten weeks now, and with the unions rejecting a 12.6% pay rise offer, there’s still no end in sight to the most ridiculous industrial action since the matchmakers strike.

You may notice from the increasingly strained headline that this is a topic we’ve stuck with for a while, but it was only last weekend that the national media sat up and noticed the gentle academic massacre unfolding in campuses around the country.

Revision

Revision. Odds are that you are reading this column because you’re desperately trying to avoid doing any. Heck, that’s why I’m writing it.

But is revision all bad? Let’s weigh up the evidence:

Early Learning Centre

Things have finally come to a close in the Union’s elections. There has not been a longer event in the history of the world with the following exceptions: the Siege of Sarajevo, the Hundred Years War, and Steph’s pregnancy in Neighbours.

So, for the last time, let’s talk elections. I promise, as my solemn vow, to never mention them again after this.

Smug chuggers

This Monday saw the start of a new lottery – doubtlessly a sign of an oncoming Sodom and Gomorrah-style ending to Britain in a gambling frenzy. But don’t worry, it’s all okay. The Monday Lottery gives more money to charity than the National Lottery does.

Charity is an impressive figleaf that can be used to cover up a multitude of flaws. As long as you’re doing it for charity, you can pretty much do whatever you feel like with your money.