You’re in the mood. The lighting is low. You are both in the buff, but there’s one more step before you can get down to some horizontal jogging. That’s right, you need protection.
We all know that condoms are a necessity. But however crucial they may be, they’re not the most fashionable items, are they? Condoms can be a pain in the arse quite frankly. They can spoil the mood, take away sensations, and generally piss us off. And therein lies the condom conundrum: There aren’t many who can’t get enough of that rubbery stuff, but for most of us, they are essential.
So, what can we do? Not all ‘love socks’ are the same. Microsheer condoms, which are thinner and stronger than latex, transmit body heat, are non-allergenic and have no taste or smell. Handy in case you like a bit of variation. Tactylon is another welcome development for those of you who ‘get it on’ regularly. Tactylon doesn’t cause allergic reactions and stretches more comfortably than latex. A little pricier, but worth it every time. If you aren’t ready to push the (love) boat out, there are plenty of cheaper options. You can always pick up the “ribbed for his and her pleasure” or one of a seemingly unending line of shaped, coloured and flavoured condoms. If nothing else, they are fun to blow up at parties.
Right, you have chosen the weapon protection of your choice. It’s a good idea to keep your rubbers somewhere easily accessible, but not overly visible. Note: Ideally, you should keep no more than a couple to hand. Seeing dozens of condoms hanging out of a bedside drawer can lead to questions about promiscuity. Of course, opportunities to get lucky won’t only come in the comfort of your own home. Always carry a condom or two if you think there’s even the slightest chance of getting some action.
You’ve got your ‘gent’s tent’ handy, so it’s time to put it on. Now, this is the time you do want to be quick: you don’t want to lose the moment. The first step, opening the packet, can be a tricky task. Tear it from the centre and not the corner; it’s easier. Or, for the lucky buggers, you may have the option of having her put it on. Delegating may take longer, but it will be worth it. Try kneeling on both knees on the bed, leaning slightly forward, so the blood will rush to your manhood and offset any shrinking due to nerves or too much booze. Lying down in such situations is not ideal.
Of course, we all need a back up plan in case the unthinkable happens. There’s only about a one in 50 chance a condom will break ‘in action’, but heightened sensitivity is a pretty good indication that the condom has failed, so don’t be a fool, recover your tool. Don’t expose yourself to diseases or parenthood. Before cracking a fresh rubber, make sure you’ve located the last one. If it’s nowhere to be found, it’s likely still inside her, and she’ll have to retire to the loo and fish it out. And nothing kills the moment like a trip to the can for deep-sea fishing. Chances are that will ruin it and that the sex will be over for the time being. So, when the moment arises, consider the options. Get a bloomin’ condom on, or be prepared for a trip to the doctor, and potentially, a visit to the maternity ward.
